07 may 2013
i meant to write today and i’ve had sentences floating around my head all day, things like everyone deserves their happinesses and i walk around as if gravity’s the only thing that’s holding me up and this too shall pass live through this and you won’t look back everything will be better in the morning. but really i’m so inexpressibly tired and although i had a day that was…illuminating…precisely because of how wearying and awful it was, i can’t write about it. it used to be i’d make myself happy by putting on nice clothes and red lipstick and going off campus to sit in a cafe, to cry over ya lit, to feel alive in a rainstorm. i did all those things today but it was like a child the year after he’s found out santa claus doesn’t exist, desperately pretending that he still believes. and this made me feel worse than college ending, than hci rejecting me, even; i have lost a kind of belief system. today the cafe was dark and empty and paid bad music and the rain irritated me and i didn’t have that quiet moment of triumph, that little epiphany, when i knew everything was going to be all right.
i did the right thing today: yelled at myself if i got envious or jealous; methodically sent out about fifteen job apps; got myself part-time work at cedele so i stop feeling so fucking restless—i want to do things with my hands, i want to make something concrete, something i can hold on to or a change. i wrote to many companies that are probably mediocre, because i think i would enjoy the luxury of refusing an offer; and, secretly, i am scared that i won’t be proud enough to refuse, that i will meekly and defeatedly take the first thing that comes my way. i’m so — other people are good at life but i’m really honestly not, i was good at academia, and now that’s gone and i have to remind myself to smile, to be happy, to eat, to shower; i don’t want to be the kind of person that falls apart at the first sign of stress but i don’t know how to fix it either. everyone is overwhelmingly kind and positive and i understand rationally that they are right, that things will work out, but that doesn’t make it easier. i am so fragile right now i feel as if i will break if i am touched. and i know — painfully — that this is stupid, there’s no need to be quite so tragic, but my brain can’t conquer my emotions, can’t magic away this listless, purposeless, defeated feeling.
isn’t it funny that i’ve spent my whole day wandering around in the city, holding that phrase about gravity holding me up, but it doesn’t even make sense; gravity pulls you down, doesn’t it? it keeps you grounded — and that’s what i miss — right now i feel immaterial and inconsequential and ghostly. i just want some kind of certainty back; a job, an apartment, a future. and i know that i can’t have any of those without working for them and i’m trying, god, i’m trying so hard, and i don’t know how to end this post except to say that i am probably more okay than i seem and i don’t mean to sound quite so tragic and i know, this too shall pass, live through this and you won’t look back, it’ll all look better in the morning.
04 may 2013
college is over and it hasn’t sunk in for anyone—dinner today was like a collection of zombies; we’re all done with finals or only have one or two left; some people have jobs and apartments but the rest of us don’t; no one wants to talk about it. dinner at khansama was pleasant nostalgia—we were so sure we wouldn’t enjoy ourselves but even the cliched markers of an evening with this group of friends turned out to be fun. everyone taking too long to order and getting mildly irritated about it. talking over one another, multiple conversations, everyone trying to listen to everything being said. watching the bad hindi music videos on the tvs in the restaurant; talking about favourite hindi movies and actors, about movies our parents made us watch. we should watch hindi movies together. why have we never done this before? sujay saying, mockingly, as the food arrived, you guys eat with your hands here? there is a strange joy to our shared indianness—so much of singapore has become familiar to us now, we no longer feel like the foreigners, the outsiders, and yet with this group there are years and years of common experiences—we discuss the pronunciation of names in tamil and in bengali; laugh about atrocious hindi accents and bad 90s pop songs. we ordered too-sweet, too-milky masala chai and drank it anyway.
at pgp there was another kind of nostalgia—this sudden, stricken knowledge that this really might be the last time we do this, troop into the r3 lounge to look for a place to chill for the evening. i haven’t been to pgp in a year and it was strange—medha and i went to pee and i found myself realising that i’ve never been to a pgp bathroom sober, i can only remember them in a sort of haze of one too many whiskies (sometimes, lazy, we’d go to the boys’ bathroom, giggling and whispering loudly, do you think anyone will see us?). outside the bathroom adithya said something stupid and medha and i laughed till my stomach hurt; i can’t remember the last time i laughed like that. in the lounge we played hilarious and chaotic uno, everyone contributing their own version of the rules; i’d forgotten how funny everyone is—the evening was a constant stream of sarcastic one-liners. we played a ridiculous round of charades (the last time i remember playing charades with this groyp was in clarke quay, somewhere in the outdoors—near brewerkz, maybe? i don’t even know when that was—two years ago? where does the time go?).
there was a lot about this evening that was simple and bittersweet and lovely—walking from khansama to pgp with medha, talking about nothing in particular; the endless stream of do you remember when we were in year one…? recalling things we’d all forgotten: the day we ventured to sit under the weird satellite dish at pgp; the way we ate spicy fried rice every weekend; the vending machines that used to sell coke and now sell pepsi (sacrilege!)—all the things we’ve done in the last four years that didn’t seem important at the time. sitting with samridhi at the town green before dinner, trying to untangle our feelings about being done with college.
when i got back to my room sujay texted me saying ‘thank you for coming’—we never text each other after these evenings, because we’ve always taken it for granted that we’ll meet again, soon, informally, spontaneously. and now that might have changed; here we are, done with college, ready to drift off into jobs, scatter across the country; we were ‘the clan’, the original group; some of these people i never got close to and an unfortunate one or two i’ve grown to actively dislike, but by and large they’re the people who made my college experience—at least the first two years of it. i’m glad we had this night; a night that wasn’t marred by fights or drama or anything negative—a night that was just good food and good friends and laughter and happiness.
so no one should click through unless they’re ready for lots of words — i’m trying to cope with being done with college so soon by doing this stupidly long post where i try to write down everything i remember about college; i have no idea how i’m going to do this really but probably some kind of chronological post, semester-wise, class-wise maybe—who knows—i’ll see how it goes—but really it’s going to be incoherent and emotional and probably uninteresting to everyone but me but yeah click through if you’re still up for it i guess
oh also this is going to be a work-in-progress so
LMAO I HAVE TOO MANY WORDS APPARENTLY IMMA HAVE TO DO THIS SEMESTER BY SEMESTER so this is just year 1 sem 1 lolol
yeah disclaimers over
09 march, 2012
01 lazy breakfast; the dry run that didn’t happen; post-breakfast nap.
02 deciding, on the spur of the moment, to go watch a movie. molu and i went for stoker (he is my go-to movie buddy because he is always free) and it was great—even though we were late and had to walk extra-fast to begin with (“i wish i were 6ft tall with long legs so i could walk faster” “you can still walk faster” “shut up!!!”), then all-out running; madly dashing up six flights of escalators. i found myself taking mental photos of everything about the city today, the way i do after a well-shot movie: the elevator doors closing on us, reflecting me, dead centre, with my coke and my frizzy hair (i lost my hair tie on the way there). sunlight reflected on rainy pavements. the way everyone walked in the drizzle, lighthearted and oblivious, boots and heels and $10 rubi shoes all getting ruined in the same puddles. the lady on the mrt with lavender eyeliner describing a trip to bhutan in loud, broken english. the broken shoe lying in a puddle at the bus stop, an ant crawling over it, incongruous and casually eerie.
03 sitting outside starbucks with samridhi, the sun warming the back of my neck, and just enjoying her company; procrastinating, online shopping, sharing music, inconsequential conversation. dinner with medha and samridhi at sapore. coming back afterwards to a sudddenly chill evening; staying even after samridhi left, wrapped in my grease jacket, listening to ingrid michaelson and a fine frenzy and tegan & sara and chatting with my sister. looking around at all the other people here; all staring at screens, tapping their feet, nodding their heads, smiling at things no one else can see. wishing i could take a photo of today, or make a video of it, or somehow immortalise it; there is so much that cannot be captured in a list, or even in words: the smell of a hot day after rain; the colour of the trees and the wideness of the roads and the dazzling, dazzling sun, everything fresh and clean and newly-made; the hum of chatter and scattered laughter and college life.
08 march, 2013.
this is late but idc i do what i want
01 waking up early to queue in ikea for 10c meatballs. cat, sarah, cheryl and i, all giggly and happy and triumphant because we managed to wake up early, beat the lines, and buy ONE HUNDRED MEATBALLS. eating in the queue and shamelessly packing the rest into tupperware to take back; talking about sociology and travel and what we’ll all be like in the future when we have kids. such a wonderful way to start the day.
02 evening swim with milli — the joy of a leisure pool literally five minutes away from my room; the forgotten loveliness of lazily floating around and looking at the sky. fried chicken afterwards, and then the concert in the evening — i love watching my friends perform, seeing them come alive on stage; i love being in the audience, lightsticks and cheap beer and arms waving in unison. it was such a lovely, happy, peaceful day.
06 march, 2013.
01 suddenly old insecurities bubbling up. it’s always the same. i am a bad friend. i will disappoint you. i can be a shitty person. i have disappointed you. i am disappointing you. i am disappointing. i make mountains out of molehills; i take things personally; i am oversensitive. i am terrified, mortified, paralysed with guilt and embarrassment if i fail to please friends, if i cause even mild irritation. and the awareness that i am this way does not help at all;it’s stupid and it’s irrational and although i know this i still routinely find myself lying in bed cringing over things i’ve said and done and unable to do anything except replay these scenes endlessly in my mind.
i hate that i ever let myself think like that but it happens and i can’t stop it; i can only hope it passes, and it generally does. today it did because of unexpected hugs in the dining hall, animated conversations with samridhi about rape culture and feminism and statistics and ethnography; my sister texting as she read very bad fanfic; and all my ridiculous friends on twitter being idiotic and funny and wonderful. i have to remember that things happen and people disappoint one another and it is okay to not please everyone all the time, but it’s hard; i hold myself to impossible standards and no good comes of it and i have to keep telling myself that it’s all right to be selfish sometimes; to do what i want or need to do regardless of what others might think or feel or say.